Category Archives: A Walk To Remember
Life is a journey that never ends; let’s take a trip into my history to reminisce the (good) ol’ days.
IV. the ultimate engagement ring.
I started reading up on diamonds and began consulting married men like Victor and Joel on prices and procedures. Eventually, I went with Lionel’s jeweler instead. And like a best friend would, he accompanied me for the first time to where he got his engagement ring and wedding bands done, and informed me of how much I should roughly be coughing out for my ring.
I spent a good number of nights asking Mr Google for unique designs. And I also shamelessly brought Huiyi into the Lee Hwa’s and Love & Co’s not just to get her finger size but also to get a glimpse of the kind of design she fancied. I was convinced that she was neither pining for a big rock nor a hefty price tag, but a design that would be unique and evergreen. I eventually picked a diamond that wasn’t so big until it looked vulgar or too small until it looked cheapskate. To me, it was the perfect rock on the perfect setting that resulted in a perfect ring.
My research was complete. I knew my budget; I adapted concepts I got off the Internet and designed my engagement ring; I chose my rock and type of gold. And this ring-making process began way back in October. I made a several trips to the jeweler to ensure that the ring turned out the way I had envisioned it to be. By January, on my fourth trip there, I paid for and collected what would be the most beautiful engagement ring I have ever seen – so lovely I wore it a few times on my finger to imagine how it would look on her finger! I remember rehearsing that “Will You Marry Me?” scene with myself – using my right hand to put the ring on my left hand. I couldn’t wait to do it for real!
And at the back of the ring, I decided to engrave “Phil 2:1-11 ILYTTE”. It’s the passage of scripture that we’d like our wedding exhorter to preach from. We are inspired by God’s Word – how the Apostle Paul used the supremacy of Christ as an example for us to serve each other and consider each other better than ourselves. He instructed us not to think less of ourselves but to think of ourselves less.
In summary, these are the few things I’ve learnt about making the ultimate engagement ring, which I’d like to share with you:
- Steer clear of the mainstream brands and save yourself some money.
- Ensure that you have a buffer of around $100 along with your budget.
- Stick to your budget and do not be embarrassed by what you can afford.
- The ring is not about you. It’s about her; what’s pretty to you might be plain to her.
- Consult your peers, do your research well and do not be afraid to ask questions.
- You must know what you value more in a diamond – cut, clarity, carat or colour?
- Choose your setting well – the right design and type of gold accentuates the diamond.
- A lasting design trumps a contemporary one; do you want to get sick of looking at it?
- Don’t be ashamed to bargain with the jeweler; you don’t get to do it very often.
- Make your engagement ring way in advance – you never know when you need it!
The adage goes, “The most dangerous place is the safest place”. So I kept the engagement ring in an old cookie glass jar just below my television console. Every other week, I’d take it out to admire that wonderful work of art. I was extremely pleased with it and I badly wanted to share this excitement with my family. But I resisted the temptation of showing it to my sister and mother because I wanted Huiyi to be the first person (other than the jeweler and I) to see it .
The ring rested quietly in the cookie jar for four long months. And each time I neared it, I felt my heart palpitating.
Next chapter: the fire idea – Perth.
III. the most nerve-wrecking moment.
We arrived at Huiyi’s home and her parents retreated into their private spaces almost instantaneously; her father marched into the study to use the computer while her mother reclined at the living room to watch a Taiwanese drama serial. This left Huiyi and I in complete disarray of what we ought to do next. It was the most nerve-wrecking moment of our entire evening. I composed myself and attempted to solve this puzzle in my head.
Huiyi was fidgety and was literally skipping to-and-from the living room to the study like a siao-zhar-bor who had too much wine (I quote her father) in hopes of getting her parents into the same square-metre. She did what most daughters would do – approach the patriarch of the household – after all, she’s Daddy’s girl – what could go wrong? Her father left her with five golden words.
“Go and talk to Mummy.”
At this time, she was already crestfallen and I saw defeat in her eyes. We knew each other so well that I could sense that she almost wanted to give up. I refused to give up of course. So like a valiant (and absolutely reckless) warrior, I decided to take over the proceedings. With fire in my belly (not wine), I rescued Huiyi’s night like her knight in shining armour.
Bravely, I declared, “Aunty, actually tonight, Huiyi and I wanted to talk to you and Uncle about us getting married next year”.
*pause for effect*
“HUH!? SO FAST!?” Her eyes nearly popped out of its sockets.
*hears a pin drop*
“Let me finish the show first,” she continued, after composing herself.
*silence on set*
Look, there was almost nothing I could do except to let the matriarch finish the final fifteen minutes of her Taiwanese show. The knight in shining armour became powerless and felt his armour plates rusting in the quarter of an hour that seemed to have lasted forever. It was the longest and most awkward duration of time for Huiyi and I. Oh if only we could count the galaxy of thoughts that sprinted through our heads…
Well, to cut the long story a little shorter, her parents were pretty cool about it eventually. By the end of the evening we were in business mode – negotiating dates and being asked if we had considered the thousand-and-one things that couples should consider. We assured them that this moment had been one year in the planning. And that seemed to do the trick.
It wasn’t a real surprise that their initial reaction was that of sudden shock (and not sweet surprise) – this is a huge moment for any mother or father. The best thing that a man could do at this moment is to assure them that they can be confident that he would take good care of their precious daughter. Don’t exaggerate or make dramatic claims like “I will give her a great life” or “She will have everything she wants”. Instead, be mature, composed and calm about it. Tell them that you are serious about marrying their daughter, committed to do your best for her, and describe to them how you plan to do it in the immediate future. I think every sane parent looks for a realistic future son-in-law, not a romantic one.
All in all, that evening was a great moment for us in the relationship; it was a breakthrough knowing that we received their blessings and support. Never underestimate how important this is, especially for the lady. We used to think that we only wanted to marry one another but over the years, we’ve come to accept that we aren’t just marrying one another but one another’s family as well.
Finally, planning for the proposal can commence.
Next chapter: the ultimate engagement ring.
II. the crucial milestone – her family must know.
I might be a traditional and conventional guy, but I truly believe that one of the most important things to do before a man ever proposes to his wife-to-be is to first seek the support of her parents. It doesn’t just do a world of wonders for the man in the longer run, but it also gives the lady the immediate assuredness and confidence to say, “Yes”, because she knows that her parents are behind her on this.
Both of us are regular Chinese Singaporeans brought up in typical Asian homes. It was only wise for me to get her parents involved when I was ready to pop the question to take it to the next level.
Actually, I had already wanted to propose last year (2010) but I decided to wait until I had met all her paternal and maternal relatives. I wanted them to know who I was, regardless of whether they were close to Huiyi or not. It seemed the proper and respectful thing to do – to know her entire family before asking her to be a part of my family. And I managed to do that on New Year’s eve.
Huiyi and I have spoken about marriage ever since we entered our second year of courtship. Initially, she felt she was a little too young to get married but as we entered the third year, part of her couldn’t wait to settle down with me. For me, I felt that I wanted to settle down with her from the day I asked her to be my girlfriend. Marriage (and the proposal) wasn’t an uncommon topic to the both of us.
Some people may think that it’s unromantic to declare engagement intentions, but I’m a realistic romantic and a romantic realist. I do what I think is culturally sensitive and consistent to my upbringing and the dynamics of our relationship. After all, my track record of idyllic moments with Huiyi has been good (so far), so it didn’t bother me the least bit that she knew I was about to propose. I knew her answer but all she knew was my time frame; she had no idea how, where or exactly when I would do it.
Huiyi’s parents are smart people. They knew that I was a forward-planning person and that I don’t do things without careful consideration. When Huiyi helped me to arrange a dinner date with them, I believe that they could almost see it coming. After all, we had dinner together on Valentine’s Day this year. But nothing in their many years of good parenting would prepare them for this moment – to deal with the impending reality that they were about to marry off their precious daughter.
Dinner was supposed to take place at Peach Garden, where I’ve already made reservations for four a couple of days in advance. I am traditional and so I wanted this dinner to be a prim-and-proper meal. But Huiyi’s prudent father forbade me from bringing them there, so we had dinner at Ichiban Boshi instead. It was obviously four times more affordable and dining at a Japanese restaurant brought about a feel-good feeling. After all, it was at Sushi Tei that I sought their approval to apply for a HDB flat together with Huiyi.
But unlike at Sushi Tei more than a year ago, Huiyi and I never felt that the moment was right for the all-important question of the evening. So with hand-squeezes, leg-tapping and tell-tale glares, we decided to adjourn home instead after a hearty meal. Huiyi gave me insider information (from daily car rides with her father) on how despite her parents being traditional, they preferred an informal setting instead of a formal one.
“Take a chill pill,” they would have said.
Next chapter: the most awkward moment of the evening.
I. the elements of a memorable proposal.
The most memorable proposal is the one that you and your spouse-to-be star in. No amount of eloquence or vocabulary can describe the elation, exuberance and ecstasy that a newly engaged couple experiences. Nothing is better than that unbeatable feeling of knowing that you’ve taken a significant step to spend the rest of your lives together.
I’ve spent days writing this – capturing every event in my remaining memory in writing. And while it has been a tedious process because of my meticulousness, I have thoroughly enjoyed reliving every moment. This writing exercise has, without a doubt, made me appreciate my relationship with Huiyi and anticipate our future together even more.
Speaking of matrimony, I’m about to turn 28 years old and have lost count of the number of times I’ve been involved in and invited to weddings. More than half of my closest buddies are already married and I’ve had countless privileges of being the best man, groomsman, emcee, worship leader and wedding singer. It has been, and still is a wonderful thing to share in one of life’s most significant memories.
The small problem with being a part of so many weddings is that when it’s time for me to propose, part of my personality make-up would inevitably want to make my proposal a tad bit more distinct than any other that I’ve had a hand in… (Again, I reiterate that your own proposal is the most special, simply because you are the protagonist.)
Now, I’ve only had two guidelines when I planned how I would ask Huiyi to marry me:
- She’s a private person who desires simplicity – so I told myself to keep the idea simple, and the event private.
- She’s always fantasised about being proposed to over a sunset or sunrise at a beach, decked in a nice dress – a straightforward wish that I would gladly fulfill, since she doesn’t usually have many requests.
Before I describe the actual proposal, I will recount the events that led up to it, including the numerous ideas I also considered and would have executed. And somehow, all these ideas actually contributed to the eventual idea.
Next chapter: the crucial milestone – her family must know.
prologue to the proposal story.
In the previous post, I appealed to you to help Huiyi and I win a photo contest organised by Perfect Weddings – a nifty local website designed to reach couples who are about to tie the knot. Huiyi and I thought it might be fun to embark on a project together so we signed up for a photo contest where we submitted a photograph freshly taken (by Gideon) immediately after the proposal. Like many FaceBook contests, the photo with the highest number of Likes will win the top prize. But I must say, it has been overwhelmingly encouraging to experience the unexpected amount of support Huiyi and I have received… (Do continue to spread the word for us, yeah?) (:
Well, Huiyi and I are about to participate in another competition also organised by Perfect Weddings, and this is one with epic proportions. In a nutshell, we are required to share our proposal story by using the Perfect Weddings website creator platform. And besides being enticed by the generous prize, I decided to try my hand at it simply because I wanted to relive and recapture the entire process of how I asked Huiyi to be my fiancée. After all, I did promise on this post that I would do write a detailed entry in time to come. And the time has come.
So I’ve been doing that for the last few nights, writing in as much detail as I can about almost everything that concerns the proposal… And I’ve thoroughly enjoying the walk down memory lane. So this is what I will do since it is an understatement to declare this project as a massively long article. Instead of posting the entire story in one gargantuan entry, I shall space it out over the next couple of weeks, and publish the epic proposal bit by bit, chapter by chapter. Well, since I went over-the-top in proposing to Huiyi, I shall do likewise in recapitulating as many moments as I can recall in writing.
I am relieved however, that unlike the photo contest which essentially is a popularity contest, (I hope) the eventual winner of this proposal contest would be determined by the quality of its content. And so, I shall take a short hiatus from posting fragments of my thought life and publish snippets of one of the sweetest memory of my life so far instead. This blog will conveniently mirror the pre-wedding website (which we have aptly titled ILYTTE) throughout the duration of this series, so you don’t even need to go to another webpage, unless of course you wish to.
Honestly, Huiyi and I have been tremendously blessed to enjoy the virtual support of family, friends and the R-AGE youths, as well as anonymous individuals from the world-wide web. Thank you, really, from the bottom of our hearts…
If there’s anything at all that we want you to remember from the upcoming series, it is how God’s grace has been so generously lavished upon two ordinary individuals who desire to love each other a little bit more every new morning, and who would say, “I love you ’til the end”, for as long as the Lord keeps them together on this planet. Love is indeed everyday.
I genuinely hope you will enjoy the journey that I’m about to take you on… (:
P/S: And if you’d like to, I’d like to (shamelessly) invite you to subscribe to my blog via email, so that you will receive every post in your inbox as soon as I publish it. Simply fill in your email address at the sidebar…
Next chapter: the elements of a memorable proposal.
enjoying a checkpoint before ending up at a checkmate.
By the time this post is published, I would have preached a total of 10 sermons since “Always And Forever” at Revival Service. I had the privilege to speak at two youth camps this month and I am penning this entry before my final session tonight. Frankly speaking, I am exhausted – physically and mentally especially – but I am reinvigorated spiritually, because of the amount that I had learnt through my preparation for these messages.
The weekend before Grace Retreat, I accomplished mission (almost) impossible and preached four freshly written sermons over three days. And in the past 30 hours, I delivered three messages. It was a grueling process (mainly due to the lack of rest and the constant demand to develop my content) and it forced me to change the way I normally delivered my content – by preaching without a full manuscript – and I must admit that I thoroughly enjoyed the change.
My dependence on the Holy Spirit to guide and keep me on track had never been higher and the sense of satisfaction had never been deeper. I felt a lot more natural when I’m not bounded by a manuscript; it gave me freedom, spontaneity of speech and truly allowed the Spirit to determine the words I uttered. This was a new milestone in my journey as a preacher and I thank the Lord for giving me the grace to grow into it. (There’s still a long way to go though…)
I preached “Leadership = Lead Your Sheep”, “Will I Catch A Grenade For Ya?” and “My Neighbour Is A Spy!” (twice) that weekend and I’d like to think I have made progress as a preacher. Shireen Lai once told me (perhaps prophetically), “Get used to this – it’s the life of an itinerant speaker”. I was a little embarrassed by that statement because I (still) feel severely inadequate as a preacher – I know I am a decent communicator, but I still lack (and long for) the connection of Ps Ronald, the relevance of Ps Benny and the profoundness of Ps Edmund; I strive (and sometimes struggle) towards these things as I attempt to grow into this role without any theological education (yet). The most common advice I’m given however, is to find my own style of preaching – something I’m still trying to figure out. It’s a steep learning curve so I thank God for His generous grace.
On a side note, what I also enjoyed about speaking at other youth groups, besides expanding my communication repertoire and gaining exposure and experience, is connecting with youths outside R-AGE. I try to add these new friends on FaceBook as soon as I can so that I am able to remember their names and my brief interaction with them. And at the end of each session, I will share the same sentiments as my Shepherds (who accompanied me to minister at these youth camps) – we are grateful to be a part of R-AGE that is now a part of us.
I also sense my heart for the Church (the body of Christ) being enlarged as I get a feel of the needs in other youth ministries – that is something that is definitely caught, not taught. However, I am just at the beginning of what (I hope) is a long and rewarding pilgrimage of preaching the Word… There’s so much more that I have and need to learn before I can call myself a proper preacher of God’s Word; this realisation keeps me humble in light of the applause that I receive from people; I must always remember to bring both criticism and compliments before the Lord, and to ask Him to help me make sense of it.
Well, it’s a relief for me to know that the next time I preach (in R-AGE, besides a session at another youth group in early July) is at the end of August so I’m going to make full use of this preaching hiatus to sink my roots even deeper into the Word of God. It’s also going to be a time for me to catch up on the Leading and Mentoring pillars of my daily ministry. And up(a)grading my Interceding life is part of what I hope to achieve in the coming months.
In the meantime, I’d like to direct your attention to Huiyi’s insights from “Will I Catch A Grenade For Ya?” Oh, and if I haven’t made it clear enough… I absolutely love preaching the Word of God – what an immense privilege to share His Word with young people! (: For now, I shall take Peter Chao’s advice to “Focus on the preacher [I] will become and not on the preaching [I] will deliver”. What a timely reminder for me to keep growing and developing!
And as always, I covet your prayers. (:
an insight into why youths in Singapore should live overseas for an extended period.
By July 2003, the longest duration I’ve spent out of Singapore was 20 days on a post-graduation/pre-enlistment back-packing trip in Australia together with Daniel Heng; it remains one of my fondest holiday to date – not just because of the company but because of the new experiences, like how I saw and felt snow for the first time at Mount Hotham.
By July 2009, I had just returned from a 19-month work stint in Shanghai. It was by far the longest time I had ever been away from home. And as some might know, the first couple of months were miserable, but the rest of it was nothing short of momentous. It completely changed my perspective towards living overseas for an extended period.
A couple of days ago, I read an account of Victor Yen’s conversation with Shawn Lee and asked for his permission to share it wholesale on my blog (though I added some paragraphing for easier reading). It encapsulates my wholehearted endorsement to any young person who might ask me if it’s a good idea to have an overseas adventure, but on the conditions that they:
- have saved up for it and/or their family can afford it
- have a wise and mature head on their shoulders
- are at peace with God on their decision
- have responsibly taken care of their commitments
- remember to return home
The bottom-line for my recommendation – open your eyes, get out of this bubble and discover what you’re missing. Either way, I hope you enjoy the following as much as I have… And if you do get the chance to go for an overseas exchange, employment or extended holiday, GO! (:
On “Swiss Standard of Living”
by Victor YenHad a fantastic night – dinner and chitchat – with my “youth” Shawn. I still think of him as my “youth”, having mentored him in a Christian cell setting when he was 15. He’s now 21 and just finished 2.5 months of backpacking Europe after National Service, couch-surfing his way throughout. The amazing thing? He claimed he did not spend a single cent on accommodation. Awesome stuff.
Among a whole lot of countries he visited, he just gave me a glowing account of Switzerland and her famous Swiss Standard of Living. I have never been to Switzerland and asked him many questions. And this is coming from a guy who did not do the tour-package thing. He lived with people, ate what they ate, castrated their pigs (yes, he helped out in farms) and got himself immersed in their lives.
This is what he shared:
Work / Life Balance
- They work 42 hours/week or 8 hours a day. This is a matter of law. If extra time is clocked, they are entitled to overtime pay or off-in-lieu. Lunch takes at least 2 hours.
- The minimum guaranteed leave they have is 3 weeks per year. But most companies give 4 weeks.
- Most people there have hobbies. I mean, real hobbies. They are passionate and spend time on them. For starters, according to Shawn, he hasn’t met anyone who has never skied. They are into archery and stuff. In Singapore, I dare say that if you grab a man on the street and ask him what his hobby is, you get a stammering answer at best on probably these 3 possibilities: “shopping” or “eating” or “sleeping”.
Education
- There are 2 tracks after elementary and high school education: academic or vocational. If academic, you go on to university. If vocational, you go straight to work. It’s called apprenticeship. 4 days/week you are at a car mechanic workshop / kitchen etc, in the thick of real action, with real paying customers. The remaining 1 day, you go for your theory lessons. The entire post-secondary education takes typically 3 years. What happens to these chaps upon graduation? Your guess is as good as mine. They become highly-skilled specialists.
- Shawn was staying with a family who has a 6 or 7-year-old boy. Wednesdays are rest days from school. What does the family do on Wednesdays? They bake a cake together.
Community
- Everyone is greeting everyone on their way to work, school or to the supermarket. He has not heard a single car horn in the month he was there. Pedestrians cross roads as they please, and cars will stop for them. Everyone waves and smiles at each other.
- According to Shawn, Switzerland is crazy safe. When he asked a local if there was any recent crime, the reply he got was, “I think we have a stabbing 2 years ago…”
Standard of Living
- An average clerk makes a respectable $5-6K francs a month. This pay may square off as average/middle-income in their countries but when they travel, the world is their playground. Oh, by the way, if you flip burgers full-time, your pay check’s probably $3-4K francs.
- If you don’t have a job, you can stand in a queue and get a cheque to feed your children. You don’t have to contemplate suicide during job transitions.
- He couch-surfed in a farm, where the owner got, wait-for-it, 34 hectares of land for $600K francs. On the land, there is a house and a barn. The rest of it? Forest. Man runs a b&b and guests get to take a walk in his private forest. Shawn said, “It’s pretty epic. I walked with him and he said, ‘This is my forest.'”
- Haagen Daz ice-cream costs $3.50 francs a tub. Enough said.
Hold on a second. This cannot be true, right?
- The thing is, the Swiss are not paying an incredible amount of tax. About 17%.
- The Swiss are not lazy people. They are incredibly productive and I think I’ve read that somewhere. I believe it boils down to passion and skill. They are very interested in what they do and they are very good at what they do.
- Ok, dining in a restaurant will cost you, so most people end up cooking their own meals. A Macdonald’s meal costs $19 but hey, it’s junk anyway. The beautiful thing is: necessities are cheap. A litre of milk is 60 cents. 500 grams of pasta is 35 cents. You can eat well even if you are on welfare.
- One interesting observation is people are independent. They jack up their cars to rotate tyres and change engine oil. This guy he stayed with is a one-man renovation team. He learns everything from DIY books, then heads to a giant DIY store and gets all the supplies. Before you know it, man’s drilling, cementing and sawing stuff.
Quick-a-side: This jolted my memory when I was backpacking US a few years back. This guy, who’s an estates’ maintenance man hired by an outdoors camp, saw a puddle of water on the ground. He told me, “Well, that puddle hasn’t subsided after 2 weeks.” The next thing I know, he’s on a John Deere tractor digging up the ground. Lo and behold, there’s a burst water pipe underneath all that dirt. He got into the ditch and fixed it, saving a chunk of the utilities’ bill.
This is the same guy who built an entire flying-fox structure. The camp director told him to explore building “a fun thing “over the water. The man read up and started ordering timber. Amazing. How many Singaporeans truly know how to do things? Most of us can’t even cook to feed ourselves.
There is also a huge gulf between a blue-collared worker here and a white-collared one. I can imagine that they would have problems communicating with each other. One is lowly paid, drinks beer in hawker centres and speaks Hokkein mostly. The other earns more, drinks beer at One-Fullerton and speaks fake American English.
The truth is blue-collared workers in Europe/US are able to communicate and work with anyone comfortably. They are on the internet and read books on landscaping. Can our blue-collared workers do that? Is there anything wrong with our education system?
The evening ended with Shawn sharing one last point:
When he asked the Swiss “How’s life?”, he got mostly a matter-of-fact “Yes, I think we have a good life.” How many Singaporeans are saying that?
*An Erdinger is 85 cents by the way…*
joey asher | misunderstoodsunshinekid 