Daily Archives: May 11, 2010
Posted by Joey Asher Tan
Even though I’ve been with HY for nearly 2.5 years, I’d never profess to be an expert in relationships simply because I’ve made countless mistakes in the past. But being with HY has changed me significantly (for the better, of course!) and there are some lessons that I’ve learnt along the way, which I’d like to share with you. As the Latin proverb goes, “A wise man learns by the mistakes of others, a fool by his own”, I do desire that you learn from my shortcomings. So, from the top of my head, here are the top ten things to avoid doing if you want your relationship to last!
1. Hang your dirty linen in public. Go ahead and announce to the world how terrible your partner has treated you and how horrible he or she is. There’s never a better way to kill your relationship than to embarrass each other publicly. While you’re at it, be sure to publish it on facebook, twitter and of course, on your blog.
2. Keep using “never” and “always”. Actually, this applies to any perilous relationship. If you want to continually make your partner feel condemned and like he or she always pisses you off and never makes you happy, go ahead and use these two very powerful and poisonous adverbs in your daily conversations.
3. Threaten to break up at every conflict. Nothing makes the relationship more unstable and volatile than to intimidate each other with the promise to call it quits at the dawn of any argument. Yeah, reap the benefits of blackmail. (This is something HY and I have carefully committed to never do and so far, we haven’t, thank God.)
4. Reply with “fine” and “whatever”. Guys, especially, will be particularly annoyed with this common bad habit that girls have. Whether you’re the guy or the girl, remember that this damaging attitude is one of the most terrible ways to communicate and it’s act of cowardice and immaturity.
5. Sweep things under the carpet, avoid and escape. Then rake up everything when you quarrel. This soak-and-strike method reflects your inability to resolve existing conflicts and your failure to learn from past mistakes. At the end of every episode, you both will feel empty, frustrated and like you’ve taken a step backwards.
6. Live in your private world all together separate. Isolation often leads to secrecy and this results in the couple making mistakes without the protective umbrella of accountability. This is deceptive when things are fine and dandy but when you get into trouble, you’ll learn the precious lesson of, “No man is an island”.
7. Express yourself through physical intimacy. I honestly confess that this is the number one struggle for guys and the number one weakness for girls. Too-far-too-soon is the number one killer for most relationships. Those who’ve experienced it may just tell you, regretfully, that their number one relationship didn’t survive.
8. Communicate the wrong love language. This passive error is one of the greatest cause of misery because the good intention displayed from either side is let down by the wrong delivery method. Do not ever forget to discover how your partner feels loved and appreciated, best done at the start of the relationship.
9. Exclude each other from each other. As if being guy and girl, being brought up completely differently and having different values systems isn’t already hard enough, you can jeopardise your relationship further by keeping your friends and activities to yourself. Watch how you slowly but surely drift – it’s a guarantee.
10. Maintain status quo, rewind and repeat. Take your courtship for granted and persist in your comfort zone by continuously doing the same things and going to the same places. Your laziness, inertia and reluctance to be creative will bear the fruits of apathy, lethargy and monotony. Great ingredients for any relationship.
As I type, I realise that I can easily share another five to ten more. So maybe I’ll share that in the sequel to this post. In conclusion, just remember that my relationship is mine to learn from and cherish and yours is yours. Every relationship is vastly different yet it requires the same amount of immense effort in order to make it work. So, whenever you’re in doubt, refer to a higher authority. I don’t know who or what you turn to, but I’d recommend you to consider referring what I use as my guideline:
Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. Love does not demand its own way. Love is not irritable, and it keeps no record of when it has been wronged. It is never glad about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. Love will last forever… – 1 Corinthians 13:4-8a, New Living Translation
Tags: accountability, always, authority, boyfriend, break up, comfort zone, communcation, conflict, delivery, drift, effort, exclude, fail, fine, girl, girlfriend, God, guy, intention, intimacy, killer, Lee Huiyi, long-distance relationship, love language, mistake, never, partner, private, public, quarrel, relationship, separate, status quo, Top Ten & Other Lists, whatever