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in retrospect, i was killing myself.

I attended BH’s Staying Emotionally Healthy seminar tonight and I was delighted to see many of my youth leaders present. I actually had something to share today but I’d save it for tomorrow. Nonetheless, I’d like to apologise for my three-day hiatus – the longest recess since my decision to blog daily. I do foresee that it may not be my last lull though. (By the way, this evening’s seminar, tonight’s and tomorrow’s entry, even though they are remotely linked, are actually mutually exclusive entries.) Let me explain.

A number of you know that I have been struggling with insomnia. I’m tremendously grateful for those who’ve shown concern by asking me about my well-being, reminding me to sleep early or just silently interceding for me in the background – thank you and praise the Lord, I am getting better. Bed times are earlier and now uninterrupted. (:

If you look to the right in the About Me write-up, you’d know that “I write daily because I want to capture the sheer plethora of thoughts that flood my mind and I consider it a therapeutic achievement if I can expand on one everyday”. After some reflection, I actually think that that is actually one culprit of my inability to sleep. You see, I usually write around 10-11pm and publish at the stroke of midnight. But after writing, I’d struggle to fall asleep because I will be developing another plethora of thoughts to what I just published. If doctors advise against exercise just before bedtime because the release of endorphins prevents one from quick slumber, then I believe that writing, being a cathartic process for me, releases mental endorphins and hence, impedes my shut-eye.

And because I’ve been so religious in wanting to keep up with my self-imposed habit (and aspiration of writing daily) in a bid to relieve my mind, I’ve neglected my own physical health in the process. It’s ironic really, because this blog was created with the intention of helping me to hasten my sleep by giving me a platform to purge my thoughts and thereby lighten my mental load. Yes, to a certain extent, I think this condition was self-inflicted, albeit unknowingly and unintentionally. Well then, wisdom demands that it is time to review the desired result of this blog in light of attaining a better physical condition.

I still aspire to write as often as I can (because I absolutely enjoy it!) but I will no longer neglect my bodily condition for the sake of attending to my cerebral condition. The challenge for me then, is to strike a fine balance between these two equally-important arenas of my life. Hence, I believe that there will be necessary lapses in posts being published but I will have to learn to be comfortable with that; it’s my pseudo-OCD (or my secret melancholy) kicking in that prevents this (surprisingly) beneficial writing lapse. On hindsight, present-assessment and forward-thinking, I believe that being able to publish one post every two to three days for the next ten years is far better than being able to publish one post daily for just one year. In other words, very simply put, I need to moderate; I cannot be too radical or extreme in my quest for achievements.

Oh Lord, there are so many things You’ve put in my heart and mind to accomplish. Please expand my capacity and extend Your grace to me so that I will be able to complete it before this season of my life is over. More importantly, heighten my sensitivity to Your Spirit so that I will learn discern what’s mine, what’s Yours and that all of mine are actually Yours. Please grant me the serenity the accept what I will not accomplish. May You empower me to pray John 3:27 daily. I love You, Lord. Amen.

a prayer request for good sleep.

My attempt at sleeping early last night to make up for all the sleep debt that I had been accumulating over the last weeks failed miserably. I slept intermittently and woke up at 2:30am, unable to sleep anymore. My eyes were wide open and my mind was alert. I had too many thoughts in my head and I felt so overwhelmed by all these thoughts because it was all over the place and it covered almost every single aspect of my life. It was as if my mind couldn’t and doesn’t stop working. So I pulled out my mobile phone and started typing away. I must have written a pretty long entry because I only stopped at nearly 4am and yet I still couldn’t sleep. So I tossed and turned in bed until it was 5:30am and then when my body couldn’t take it anymore, I finally slept.

When I woke up at 8am, I felt like I didn’t rest at all. Even though I went to bed at 9am!

Sigh.

My cough and blocked nose worsened when I arrived at the office and I could “taste” the mucus in my nose – you somehow know you’re down with something when you taste the “sick” kind of virus-y mucus. I made my way to the doctor’s at 4:30pm and told him about last night’s sleeplessness. And how it has been like this for some time. He told me what I had already guessed. I even googled it last night after writing the note.

I have insomnia.

And for the first time in my life I will be taking sleeping pills and relaxants to help me sleep. My doctor said that this would help to reset my very messed-up body clock. I’ll be on medical leave tomorrow and I really do hope to get uninterrupted slumber tonight.

On one hand, I’m thankful that I have such an active mind but on the other hand, if I go on like this, it will be quite damaging for my body. I’m extremely exhausted, to be honest. I’ve carried around a throbbing headache the entire day and it was so bad that I couldn’t properly prepare cell lesson tonight. I’m also preaching this Saturday. I need to recover!

Pray for me, will you? I just want to sleep well. I badly need the physical rest. Thank you.

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