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in retrospect, i was killing myself.

I attended BH’s Staying Emotionally Healthy seminar tonight and I was delighted to see many of my youth leaders present. I actually had something to share today but I’d save it for tomorrow. Nonetheless, I’d like to apologise for my three-day hiatus – the longest recess since my decision to blog daily. I do foresee that it may not be my last lull though. (By the way, this evening’s seminar, tonight’s and tomorrow’s entry, even though they are remotely linked, are actually mutually exclusive entries.) Let me explain.

A number of you know that I have been struggling with insomnia. I’m tremendously grateful for those who’ve shown concern by asking me about my well-being, reminding me to sleep early or just silently interceding for me in the background – thank you and praise the Lord, I am getting better. Bed times are earlier and now uninterrupted. (:

If you look to the right in the About Me write-up, you’d know that “I write daily because I want to capture the sheer plethora of thoughts that flood my mind and I consider it a therapeutic achievement if I can expand on one everyday”. After some reflection, I actually think that that is actually one culprit of my inability to sleep. You see, I usually write around 10-11pm and publish at the stroke of midnight. But after writing, I’d struggle to fall asleep because I will be developing another plethora of thoughts to what I just published. If doctors advise against exercise just before bedtime because the release of endorphins prevents one from quick slumber, then I believe that writing, being a cathartic process for me, releases mental endorphins and hence, impedes my shut-eye.

And because I’ve been so religious in wanting to keep up with my self-imposed habit (and aspiration of writing daily) in a bid to relieve my mind, I’ve neglected my own physical health in the process. It’s ironic really, because this blog was created with the intention of helping me to hasten my sleep by giving me a platform to purge my thoughts and thereby lighten my mental load. Yes, to a certain extent, I think this condition was self-inflicted, albeit unknowingly and unintentionally. Well then, wisdom demands that it is time to review the desired result of this blog in light of attaining a better physical condition.

I still aspire to write as often as I can (because I absolutely enjoy it!) but I will no longer neglect my bodily condition for the sake of attending to my cerebral condition. The challenge for me then, is to strike a fine balance between these two equally-important arenas of my life. Hence, I believe that there will be necessary lapses in posts being published but I will have to learn to be comfortable with that; it’s my pseudo-OCD (or my secret melancholy) kicking in that prevents this (surprisingly) beneficial writing lapse. On hindsight, present-assessment and forward-thinking, I believe that being able to publish one post every two to three days for the next ten years is far better than being able to publish one post daily for just one year. In other words, very simply put, I need to moderate; I cannot be too radical or extreme in my quest for achievements.

Oh Lord, there are so many things You’ve put in my heart and mind to accomplish. Please expand my capacity and extend Your grace to me so that I will be able to complete it before this season of my life is over. More importantly, heighten my sensitivity to Your Spirit so that I will learn discern what’s mine, what’s Yours and that all of mine are actually Yours. Please grant me the serenity the accept what I will not accomplish. May You empower me to pray John 3:27 daily. I love You, Lord. Amen.

sermon recall: barnabas the epic encourager.

It was a whirlwind weekend for me – preparing the Barnabas sermon was more challenging than the Mary Magdalene one. Nonetheless, it’s over and I thank God for all of it. Honestly, I thought my delivery at the G2 youth service was not up to scratch.. Sometimes I don’t know what disappoints me more – a lack of congregational response or failing to meet my high personal standards. But God is good; while I felt that the preaching at G2 was one of my poorest to date, I was surprised by the response at the altar call and received rather positive feedback in both quantity and quality from people I didn’t expect. For that, I’m encouraged and thankful, for God worked through my weaknesses (2 Cor 12:9) and still brought Himself glory despite my shortcomings. Form may be temporary and class may be permanent, but the Holy Spirit is forever – I’ll choose the Spirit’s help over form or class, anytime.

After a post-sermon debrief with RY, some melancholy moments and an evening of personal reflection and self-critique, I refreshed the sermon contents and preached a significantly different sermon at G1 – new illustrations, analogies, activities, focus points as well as more internalising and tightening up of contents. (I’m actually slightly saddened by this phenomenon because G1 would almost always receive the more polished sermon while G2 would receive the raw one; my optimism, however, rephrases raw as original. Oh, euphemisms…) And this was the first instance I’ve reviewed my contents so many times; so I reviewed it again this afternoon and here are the key points in my sermon as well as my own lessons learnt, in no particular order of importance:

  • Let us become the “Encouragement Safety Net” and the “Pedestal Platform” for each other.
  • What does it take to be a “good man, full of the Spirit and of faith”? Answer: Encouragement! (It works both ways, get it?)
  • If we want to be like the Spirit, then we must do what the Spirit does – to encourage!
  • Barnabas was called the “Son of Encouragement”; if your friends were to rename you today, what would your new name be? What would you be a son or a daughter of?
  • What the Holy Spirit does for us on the inside, we should do for others on the outside.
  • The key to creating a culture of encouragement is hoping and praying to be encouraged by others (passive), while making every effort to encourage others (active).
  • Encouragement is beneficial for both the encourager and the encouraged.
  • Not everyone can be a Paul but everyone can be a Barnabas; not everyone can be a leader but everyone can be a supporter.
  • Encouraging others is not about you or how well or badly you do it, but about what the Spirit can do through you.
  • Our common ground is how broken and wretched we are – hence we certainly can emphathise with everyone regardless of age or life experiences.
  • Everyone needs a person to believe in him, a “no-matter-what” person – through valleys, mountains, victories and defeats.
  • The ministry of encouragement has a long-term effect in the lives of young people; so we should be patient with one another as God is patient with us, for if we wait long enough, they might surprise us with something good one day.
  • Encouragement influences us in whether we finish pathetically or emphatically – it is the extra strength that we can give to and find from other people.
  • You can encourage people you don’t know by affirming them on what they did and not who they are.
  • You cannot stop someone from falling – that is inevitable – but you can stop them from crashing.

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I look ahead and anticipate the preparation of the next New Testament character. Watch this space!

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