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no longer a worship leader and at peace with it.

I dug out an old notebook a few weeks ago and within the first couple pages I found a list of nine things I had wanted to accomplish that year. I recorded these things in 2003, when I was 20 years old, in the final semester of my polytechnic days.

  1. Get grounded in the Word.
  2. Learn piano and guitar intensively.
  3. Stay single until 21st Oct 2003.
  4. Transfer captaincy of TeamR-AGE.
  5. Record FhLY album.
  6. Record Castor & Pollux album.
  7. Attain driving licence.
  8. Cultivate a lifestyle of punctuality.
  9. Learn to be more pastoral.

It’s interesting to note that the items that I’ve made little progress on are #2, #5 and #6, which are incidentally all related to music! Well, seven years have passed and with each passing year the likelihood of accomplishing these three items diminishes. Perhaps I’m not all that passionate or serious a musician after all. What a sad thought.

All right, that silly introduction above has little to do with what I am about to share.

Music is a big part of my life; I’d like to believe that while I’m not musically trained, I am musically inclined because I pick things up pretty quickly – be it percussions, strings or even song-writing. I’m always attracted to worship teams and as I peered into the 3rd Level Hall tonight to check out the worship team in action, I reminisced my days of being a worship leader and how that I spent most (and the early) parts of my ministry in church in CAMY. I progressed from a 14-year-old backup vocalist to a worship leader in both the youth and adult services.

God called me into worship leading when I was 15 years old, at a “Bondage Breaker” conference in Trinity Christian Centre, and I’ve always pursued this area of service. I was confident that I had the anointing of a Spirit-led worship leader. And God is faithful; throughout the years of worship leading, God always sends at least one person to affirm and to encourage me in my calling, usually by someone who was in the congregation; God has never missed out affirming me on any session and I am most thankful for it.

When I went to Shanghai and saw the “state” of the worship atmosphere in my church, I immediately felt compelled to join the worship team to “rescue” and “value-add” it. The Holy Spirit rebuked my prideful self and I quickly dismissed this arrogant attitude of wanting to “fix things” and to “show them how it’s supposed to be done”. I could easily enter the ministry under the pretense of humility but what good would it do if I served with a wrong heart? For months, it was an internal struggle because I knew that I could contribute positively and to even make a significant difference!

I didn’t feel that God was calling me into worship leading for that season of my life in Shanghai so I avoided the music ministry completely and just waited for His prompting of where I should serve in church. I did continue to lead worship, but only in my cell group. (This sounds really haughty and I apologise for it but) word got around of my skill, effectiveness and experience “This worship leader is pretty anointed!” and a couple of months later, as if to perpetuate the already dire situation with my pride, I was approached twice by the worship pastor and one of the key worship leaders; they invited me to join the ministry. (It must have been painful to read such words dripping with arrogance but I’m just being honest with my struggles and being real with my journey.)

Yet I’ve never moved into the worship ministry ever again because I was convinced that my season of being a worship leader is over. I felt the peace when I rejected both invitations and I also found the non-entry necessary for the development of my own humility as I stepped away from this area of ministry. I wanted to be sensitive to the Spirit’s leading and I believe I did the right thing, even though becoming a worship leader again felt like the right thing to do by my own logical deduction! (This isn’t a good gauge but worship leading no longer gave me a kick – I didn’t find it a challenge anymore.)

Instead, I felt the Spirit calling me into mentoring and preaching; in fact, I find that mentoring, preaching and leading are my three primary domains of ministry at this point in my life. Just as how God has prospered me as I pursued His prompting in my worship leading days, I believe that God will also give me success as a mentor, preacher and leader, simply because I desire to be obedient to His will for my life. I humbly ask you to pray with me, please; I only want to be a vessel.

Why do I share these inner thoughts tonight? I believe that it is more important to recognise the divinely-designated season of your life directed by God than to do what the ministry demands or what you’re naturally good at or gifted in. It may not make much sense at first but the satisfaction you get when you review your step of faith is immense. I desire always to walk by faith (to do what God directs) and not by sight (to do what Man demands). And the only way to do so is to remain connected with God.

Oh Lord, thank You for reminding me about John 15:5. Indeed, apart from Jesus, I can do nothing and I am absolutely nothing without Christ! I desire to be near You so that I will do the things that You desire and become the man You have designed. I love You.

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day two – hurt people hurt people.

These are the things on my mind at the close of the second day at Grace Retreat 2010.

  • When God pursues you, it is because He’s looking for a mouth to speak through, to accomplish His own purposes for His own glory.
  • Let us be wary about a cavalier attitude towards our calling and God’s anointing in our lives; many feel the touch of the mantle, but only a few respond to it.
  • Does authority come from positions and statuses or come from the Lord? A rhetorical question but a necessary reminder. Do you find security in who you are or what you do? What a timely reality check.
  • A stronghold is like a prison that keeps you in and keeps others out.
  • Fear may cause us to isolate ourselves and cause a driven person who is performance-oriented to gain acceptance this way.
  • A prior rejection of others may cause us to reject people even before they get a chance to reject us, as a result of our self-defence mechanisms.
  • Flying a kite teaches us a lesson on letting go; but beyond that, it teaches us to relinquish control of our own power to release it to a greater power that will take the kite to places that we could never imagine we could in the limitations of our power and ability; we should let go for something greater.
  • God challenged my perspective on being authentic. I used to live by, “Why should I tell you who I am? If I tell you who I am, and you don’t like who I am, that’s all I’ve got.” It was time for a paradigm shift and to trust God to protect my esteem and security, regardless of who or what I encounter.

I look forward to Wednesday. 79 to go! You give and take away, my heart will choose to say, “Blessed be Your name”. I love You, Lord. Amen.

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