distant… can you hear me?

I am so uninspired tonight yet I am overwhelmed at the same time. I need to sleep – I really do. But there’s so much on my mind, yet I can’t extract any. I need a release…

Distant
by Joey Asher

Need I resort to clambering
My face dragged against the floor
Yet I barely scratch the door to your heart
What must I do to get near you

I’ve contravened myself
And denied all that I’ve held fast to
Your whispers and your scent
They envelope me like a warm blanket

Your sweet blinks embraces me
And sends me into a fury of emotions
My heart fulminates and swells
But my mind etches out to confusion

My prison is my responsibility
Locked away with masticated emotions
Unknowingly involved unwittingly
Strong only as my strongest weakness

I pine to leave my quiescence
To step into action
To prove to you that all I want is all you are
And all I need is what you have

Inconspicuously, this prose reveals much
The overwhelming myriad of sensations
And the dichotomy of which leaves me in dire conditions
Akin to an antidote-less jet-lag, time might exact her healing authority

To wait, to deliberate
It forms the leitmotif of our song
To anticipate the moment
Where I lay bare my heart before you

A relentless quest breeds dauntlessness
And an abandoned fear of mockery inspires valour
Significance is lost when a mismatch transpires
Knowledge of my fondness for you remains abed

Reaching out, my troubled heart for hire
And bruised mind laced with reckless desire
An effrontery effort would repel
Yet it might resolve to be my bravest act

The bellicose strife of battles resides in my head
Tossed between making sense of it all
And the birth of these feelings – which is harder
A nebbish would not reconcile

Being near you comforts me
Being with you is my delirium
You send me into whirlpools of joy
And you are also the sanctum of my troubled soul

I have failed in umpteen attempts
To practise my practice and to refrain from contradiction
Lest amicability be misunderstood
To guard against an indurated pursuit

Uncertainty remains my greatest enemy
Yet it coexists as my immense epilogue
A prized trophy or a cherished race – I chose the latter
But my levity defies my determination

The day will arrive
The hour when my pain is palliated
I’ll search for you and keep you close
And treasure you with all I’ve got

These words are birthed in the atelier of my heart
And they have been since the distant March
I’ve lost control of my affection for you
Exiled dangerously in an investigated unknown

It couldn’t have been as touche as this
The gravitas of the situation herein lies
When I boldly declare my love for you
Greater than my fear without you

I’d sacrifice my reputation
And have it reduced to a lumpen state
If that would draw you to me
I’d gladly be a clown for you

Rejection shuns and shuts me out
A camouflaged backlash aggresses inaction
Proving that unrequited loving from a distance
Is easier than a spurn from close proximity

My incipient hopes may vanish
But it doesn’t cease my love for you
The object of my happiness
To see yours fulfilled

Through countless dawns, moons and seasons
I’d hold on and persist quixotically
The present may gratify more than an secret future
My biggest regret would to lose you without trying

Losing three was hard enough
To squander another would be disastrously jeremiad
I will parse my motives
And overcome fatality with wayworn obstinacy

Your reciprocation may seem perfunctory
But it’s a response nonetheless
At least I have your attention
Even for a while, even for a little short while

just how big is the internet?

I normally blog only once daily but I found the stats presented here so cool that I had to post a mid-day entry. Although honestly, I doubt its accuracy as the usage of Internet from China alone could own anyone; it’s as if they exist in their own Internet universe.

It got me thinking about how we actually utilise this surfeit of information. For a good number of people, especially youths, their daily navigation do not go beyond three to four websites (I’m guessing Facebook, Youtube, Gmail and their blogs). May I urge all of us to make fuller use of the Internet for all its worth instead of idling our time away on it.

Nonetheless, enjoy the stat attack! (Source: “15 things I bet you didn’t know about the internet” from Curious? Read.) May it give you some interesting perspectives.

a prayer request for good sleep.

My attempt at sleeping early last night to make up for all the sleep debt that I had been accumulating over the last weeks failed miserably. I slept intermittently and woke up at 2:30am, unable to sleep anymore. My eyes were wide open and my mind was alert. I had too many thoughts in my head and I felt so overwhelmed by all these thoughts because it was all over the place and it covered almost every single aspect of my life. It was as if my mind couldn’t and doesn’t stop working. So I pulled out my mobile phone and started typing away. I must have written a pretty long entry because I only stopped at nearly 4am and yet I still couldn’t sleep. So I tossed and turned in bed until it was 5:30am and then when my body couldn’t take it anymore, I finally slept.

When I woke up at 8am, I felt like I didn’t rest at all. Even though I went to bed at 9am!

Sigh.

My cough and blocked nose worsened when I arrived at the office and I could “taste” the mucus in my nose – you somehow know you’re down with something when you taste the “sick” kind of virus-y mucus. I made my way to the doctor’s at 4:30pm and told him about last night’s sleeplessness. And how it has been like this for some time. He told me what I had already guessed. I even googled it last night after writing the note.

I have insomnia.

And for the first time in my life I will be taking sleeping pills and relaxants to help me sleep. My doctor said that this would help to reset my very messed-up body clock. I’ll be on medical leave tomorrow and I really do hope to get uninterrupted slumber tonight.

On one hand, I’m thankful that I have such an active mind but on the other hand, if I go on like this, it will be quite damaging for my body. I’m extremely exhausted, to be honest. I’ve carried around a throbbing headache the entire day and it was so bad that I couldn’t properly prepare cell lesson tonight. I’m also preaching this Saturday. I need to recover!

Pray for me, will you? I just want to sleep well. I badly need the physical rest. Thank you.

top ten reasons to rejoice for our Dawson flat.

As HY and I experience the Dawson saga, it doesn’t just give us the assurance that God has good plans for us, but also that He has the perfect timing. Hence, the best thing we should do, always, is to trust in His gifts and believe in His timing. I will be detailed in this thanksgiving because I want to give God the full glory. This will be a long entry.

The Dawson BTO (Built-To-Order) project was designed by award-winning architects and centrally located in the Queenstown district. As a result, around 10,000 people applied for it, making it over-subscribed by a few times. We applied for a four-room flat because we know that by 2016, we probably would have just started our own family.

There were 1,102 four-room flats available and our queue number was 1,302, meaning we needed 200 applicants to drop out before we were eligible. However, we actually needed more than 200 applicants to drop out because these 1102 units were divided to meet the ethnicity quota. This basically means that we needed Chinese Singaporeans to drop out if we wanted to smell a chance! Nonetheless, we made it by God’s grace and here are ten reasons why we are still rejoicing and praising God for His providence.

I. Balloting Success. By God’s grace we were successful on our first attempt – quite a miracle considering that there people who have repeatedly applied without success. I remember telling HY that the more we had to depend on “luck”, the more confident I was for God is in control and that we need not depend on our achievements.

II. Right Phase of Relationship. Timing was key in our application. We had arrived at a point in our relationship where we were ready to move on to the next phase of our courtship. We felt that we were ready to progress in our relationship.

III. Additional Housing Grant. Couples with a combined income of less than $5,000 would receive additional housing grant (AHG) of up to $40,000 from HDB. Basically, the lower the combined income, the higher the AHG awarded. This worked out perfect for us because by God’s divine timing, we applied for this when HY was a student without income and when I drew the modest salary of my working life. Any earlier and I’d be on a better income, any later, and we’d have been on a higher combined income. Applications for Dawson opened in that perfect window. HDB actually requested for HY’s CPF statements only up to June 2010 – she began work on 1 July and would therefore have CPF contributions from July onwards! Get it?

IV. Staggered Downpayment. HDB created this payment method to encourage couples to settle down at a younger age. Those below 30 years old have the option to pay their deposit (10% of cost of flat) at two intervals – once at flat selection (now) and the other at keys collection (six years later). And as this is completely paid through CPF, it means that our cash-commitment amounts to zero (not because we have a lot in our CPF, but because of the AHG).

V. Queenstown District. One of the factors that helped us to increase our balloting chances was to be situated near one of our parents. To qualify for this, you’d need to stay within a 2km radius of your parents. Ghim Moh is over 4km from Dawson but because both estates belong to the Queenstown town council, we still qualify.

VI. Breakthrough with HY’s Parents. There was no easy way to ask HY’s parents for their approval and support for this application. We were so scared about this that we actually methodically prepared a detailed six-page FAQ as we tried to speculate the questions they might ask, and we even rehearsed the Q&A! This chat also took place at a time when there was slight tension in the family. It really took courage and a step of faith to present this to them. And their response took us by complete surprise, “Actually you don’t need to ask us because it’s your combined decision… But if you ask us, there’s no issue – this is a good deal – go ahead!” W-O-W!

VII. Centrality. In light of the current skyrocket prices of flats, our Dawson flat actually seems affordable (and almost a steal). It’s a great investment no matter how you look at it. One reason why we were attracted to the place was for its location – a 10-minute commute to almost anywhere (Ghim Moh, Holland Village, the Singapore CBD, Orchard Road, Harbourfront, Chinatown and City Hall), leopard-crawling distance to Grace Assembly of God and walking distance to Queenstown MRT.

VIII. Growth Spurt in Faith. We selected the flat on the fourth day of Grace Retreat. We spent most of the two weeks before our selection appointment refreshing the HDB website, checking how fast our quota was depleting. Our appointment was the second-last of the day and at the time of our selection, we were amongst the final 10 Chinese (i.e 10 more remaining units for the Chinese ethnicity). When we left HDB, there were only five units left. By 10am the next day, the Chinese ethnicity quota had completely depleted. Imagine the mental roller-coaster! Despite all that, we managed to select a high floor – 11th – and while it feels like a relatively low floor in a 47-level block, it was much higher than we had expected!

IX. Payment Commences in 2016. Yes, it will take half a decade for the flat to be ready but we see it as a good thing because it means that we’ll have more than enough time for our CPF to swell with nearly six years of monthly contributions. By then, we won’t even need to worry about additional cash injections because we could easily sustain the monthly repayments. This is significant; if we had purchased a resale flat, we’d require around $80,000 liquid cash (how!?) – half for Cash-Over-Valuation (COV) and half for renovations. Thank God we need not worry about that! In fact, we can take our time over to slowly and steadily save for renovations.

X. Housing Loan Eligibility. As this is a BTO, it means that our housing loan eligibility (HLE) would be reassessed when we collect the keys in 2016. This means that our HDB loan would be derived based on our combined income in 2016, instead of now, where it’d be based on only a single income. This is easily a difference of over $200,000 in loans! Can you imagine if we had to borrow that additional amount from a bank to finance a resale flat, or buy a $200,000 flat?

There’s so much more to thank God! For one, we are officially home-owners now and it’s a huge load off our chest. After all, purchasing a house is one of life’s milestones, and for us to nail it at 27 and 23 years old respectively, was beyond our expectations. To know that we’ve overcome this hurdle allows us to focus on building our relationship and making us even stronger than before. God is faithful indeed. All glory to Him alone!

is your advice any good at all?

There’s a difference between good and godly advice. Everyone is able to offer their two-cents’ worth but not everyone makes sense. Therefore, it is important to surround yourself with counsellors who are able to expand your perspectives as well as to offer you solutions (or at least show you the possible consequences of any decision made). We should be cautious in selecting who we hang out with for it usually determines who we become eventually – surround yourself with cynics and you may just become one.

The way of the fool always seem right to him – they will hardly admit that they are wrong; don’t spend too much energy trying to convince them otherwise, but learn to just pray for them and commit them to the Lord. When I see how the advice that I dispense fall on deaf ears, it gives me an idea of how foolish I was when I was younger, and how I have refused and rejected advice. If you want to counsel others, it is important that you are rooted in the Word of God. Wisdom is knowing how to apply biblical principles to everyday situations. Hence, wise counsel and sound advice always comes from the Word.

It is also important that you are a Spirit-filled individual if you want to offer advice to others. I always tell my leaders to pray (silently) in the Spirit (in their hearts) when they talk to youths, and to be sensitive to what the Spirit might possibly prompt them to say instead. It’s imperative that we do not make up advice; for the lack of a better way to phrase it – let’s not bullshit others. There are days that I do not have the answer and when that happens, I will be honest and tell whoever I’m speaking to that I will get back to them a few days later. Don’t trust anyone who’s always got the answer. We must stop whenever and however the Spirit leads and prompts us to, and seek God for an answer first. I remember BH’s advice regarding advice-giving – “If people run to you, you better run to God, otherwise they might think that you are God!”

I try to surround myself with people who know what people are like – basically older and more mature individuals who have seen more people than I have. They give great insight to people and how to deal with those who are more challenging to manage. They teach me how to discern and share their experiences with me. Hence, regardless of how high-up I may rise in a leadership role, it is important that I do not isolate myself, but to surround myself with people who are involved in the right kind of attitude, and those who are like-minded. Having RY and PL to share with me their journey on being a ministry-man and a family-man gives me great leverage to know what to do when I’m faced with similar situations. However, after I receive their advice, I will still consult the Lord first for obeying what the He has set upon my heart to do is of utmost importance.

And then of course, there are those whom you simply trust with your life because you know that they always have your interests at heart. These are people whom have gone through seasons with you and the ones who have proved their consistency and availability in your life – basically, those whom have stood the test of time. He or she could be a best friend, parent, sibling, mentor or partner. Always treasure the value of their opinions simply because they love you without agenda and want the best for you.

In conclusion, in the area of giving and receiving advice, here are the four categories of people whom you should seek and aspire to become:

  1. Word people
  2. Spirit people
  3. People people
  4. Trustworthy people

These are the people whom you know will dispense good advice and godly counsel.

the original handwritten roller coaster lyrics.

It’s been a pretty long Saturday and it’s gonna be an even longer Sunday so I shall keep it simple tonight. I became thankful for the journey I’ve taken as a song-writer when I found handwritten lyrics to Roller Coaster in one of my notebooks. This song-writing event took place at a FhLY jam session in L3 Hall. When RL first played the signature electric guitar introduction, I asked him what image came to his mind. He said, “Like I’m taking a roller coaster”. That was it – and after countless revisions, here’s the version that we recorded for the No One Else album. I’m pretty proud of this track! (Too bad I can’t upload the MP3 unless I purchase a Space Upgrade…)

ROLLER COASTER

I soar up and slide back down
Life is like the weather, never really in my control
Unstoppable, inescapable
Time is like an earthquake, happening without warning

This is a crazy roller coaster ride
But tonight

I feel great; nothing can stand in my way
The world’s at my feet, it’s like I’m delirious on God
Invincible, I’ll try the impossible
Spinning round and round, falling up and down
So watch me, I’ll rise again

Walk with me through barren lands
Now and then I feel dry, wishing You would rain down again
Am I an act of real pretence?
Thriving on the high, I just broke down from my breakthrough

Words: Joey Asher
Music: Joey Asher & Ricky Liang
Written on: 26th January 2003
Revised on: 4th October 2008

© FhLY

wisdom from my favourite hunk in Perth.

As I attempted to clean up and archive the notes in my computer today, I found pearls of wisdom from CS. These were the things I remembered from his sharing with me over an afternoon coffee session in Clementi Central, way back in March. Re-reading it, I realised that wisdom and righteousness are timeless and evergreen – such advice never gets mouldy or irrelevant, regardless of which stage of life you’re at or in.

On ceilings:
“When people are against your ideas or what you share, involve them in prayer and ask them to bring it to the Lord in prayer too.”

This exhibits “Show your enemy the other cheek” in a different perspective. When you operate this way, it becomes unmistakable when God speaks to both parties. When we pray, He confirms and works, and even the most opposing opinions can work together, compromised and accepted, for the sake of working towards achieving His will. At the end of the day, all the glory will have go to Him for He enabled what was humanly impossible to be possible.

On arguing:
“There’s no winner in an argument. Someone will lose.”

CS’ sentiments on arguments confirm what I’ve always subscribed to – that I’d rather lose the argument than lose the relationship. (In the last six months, I realise that I have actually been practising this principle. And while it’s not easy deliberately losing – I’m being honest, I am a competitive and outspoken person and I have a man’s pride! – I’m actually at peace with it because I don’t find it a need to prove myself to anyone or to convince others of my ideas.) Conversely speaking, when you do prioritise people over problems, you may actually win both. Win them over and naturally they’ll be more inclined to listen to you and be opened to your ideas; they may even sway towards your argument and stand with you. Over the years, I’ve learnt that people are more willing to listen to you when they know that you have their best interests at heart. Ironically, they need to be first convinced of your affections for them before they are convinced of your argument.

On teachability:
“No matter how high you climb, there will always be areas you’ll need growth in.”

The day will come when you no longer have any man (or woman) above you in a hierarchal setting, but the Lord Himself. This is the greatest test of humility and teachability. The two most poisonous words in a confident, mature and experienced person is, “I know”. This arrogant phrase single-handedly puts people off in correcting you and giving you feedback. Always adopt an attitude of learning regardless of how old, wise, experienced or mature you are in a particular situation. The moment you stop learning is the (tragic) moment you stop living.